


Kaiser & Skidmark Save Christmas

by ChangeMyPlan, TheCauldronDiscord



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Cauldron Give-a-Fic-a-Thon, Character Death, Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28471257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChangeMyPlan/pseuds/ChangeMyPlan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCauldronDiscord/pseuds/TheCauldronDiscord
Summary: A gang fight in Brockton Bay, on Christmas Eve 2010, gets surprisingly festive. But will two gang leaders learn any reason for the season? Any at all?A fic written for the Cauldron Give-a-Fic-a-Thon event, Fic Santas, in December 2020, based on the prompt "Kaiser and Skidmark team up to save Christmas." This was written for Daoist Mystery by an author who wishes to remain anonymous (well, they did when this was posted).
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6
Collections: The Cauldron Give-a-Fic-a-Thon





	Kaiser & Skidmark Save Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheEpicLotfi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEpicLotfi/gifts).



‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Bay,  
The villains were fighting in every which way  
Down around Archer’s Bridge: Nazis “cleaning out scum”  
Compared to most weeks? This was really humdrum.  
  
Most children were quiet, asleep in their beds  
Despite Mush throwing trash from roofs on their heads  
Squealer revved up her car and then charged at Crusader  
Who stopped her with ghosts to be fought again later  
  
But north two blocks, over and down on the street,  
Skidmark was nearly faced with defeat  
Kaiser had cornered him and was cracking his zones  
Through pushing up metal to break the field’s bones  
  
The moment seemed bleaker than bleak for the Merch’  
The Nazi: “Surrender! You’re in quite a lurch!”  
Shouted back Skid: “I don’t give a goddamn!”  
A sleigh flew low over the street and then *WHAM*  


* * *

Looking up at the unexpected noise, Kaiser saw that one of the shards of metal he’d been pushing into Skidmark’s field to break the Shaker’s environment had broken off and been launched upwards. It had done so at the exact wrong time, impaling... some sort of pallet, perhaps? Hopefully not Rune trying to assist in the fight. 

It was falling.

Right on him.

He braced for impact, curling into a ball. The object hit Skidmark’s field, and was launched up again. Kaiser used the time to scramble away from the impact site. The other man canceled his field, and what was now apparent to be a sled the size of a small truck crashed down onto the street into a pile of newly-fallen snow.

Looking onto the sleigh, Kaiser saw a large empty sack and someone who looked like Santa Claus. Probably a Tinker, probably a theme hero, might have been okay if he and Skidmark just played along. The metal had struck exactly wrong, and the man lay eviscerated and probably dead. 

“You [], you [] [] killed that [] []” Skidmark’s voice broke into his attention.

“We did. It was a joint effort, and the PRT will come after us as such. Nobody will buy that this was an accident.”

“So we’re []?”

“Yep. Murdering Santa Claus or a tinker looking like him is bad for our image, even as independent leaders.”

“And murdering black families for your initiations?” Skidmark challenged.

“Oddly enough, people don’t care about those.“

They both paused. Skidmark stood straighter, ready to fight again if need be. 

Kaiser interjected. “I have an idea. We cover this up, make it look like Santa died after Brockton Bay, dump the sled in Boston. Nobody can blame either of us, it’s just another protectorate case file. “

“[]. Fine.”

Kaiser moved to search the bag, and Skidmark searched the front of the sleigh. Neither wanted to deal with the body. In the bag, at the bottom, was a folded piece of paper which he picked up and read. 

* * *

To Whomever May Find This

If you are reading this you have killed or otherwise incapacitated me, Santa Claus. You probably know of my job, and why I do it. The information here will let you pick it up, if you so choose. 

There are several kinds of magic tied to this sleigh. Ones which will probably disappear with my death include the sleigh’s propulsion and the bag summoning toys. These are difficult to duplicate, but not impossible. The magics which should fade last are the toy-selection magic, and the unnoticeability, which feed off the sleigh’s movement. If you are traveling fast enough and there are toys in the bag, the bag should teleport toys into the stockings of good children; you should also be imperceptible to normal people. 

If this sleigh is used to give gifts in my name, the power of belief might resurrect me. Even if you killed me, please think of that. 

Yours, Saint Nicholas of Myra

* * *

Kaiser handed the letter to Skidmark.

The two looked at each other. “How the [] do we get the gifts? There’s no point in having a [] Santa running around with no [] gifts, even if the other [] magic still works.”

“We could give everyone daggers?”

“That’s the [] stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” said Skidmark, who Kaiser had once heard of sniffing every white powder in a kitchen to figure out what they were, including dishwashing powder.

“Fine, I have an alternate plan.”

* * *

Forty minutes later, beloved local businessman Max Anders walked into a nearby toy store open on Christmas Eve for last minute gifts. Picking out two carts, he walked over to the aisles of plastic stocking-filler. He ran down the aisle with arms out on both sides, knocking everything into the cart, continuing until both carts were full. Rushing to the checkout, he slammed a black credit card on the counter to cover what would undoubtedly be hundreds to thousands of dollars.

The cashier, a man with a pronounced combover, looked him in the eyes, in a manner which would be curious if working for a business which scheduled the midnight shift on Christmas Eve hadn’t sucked out his soul long ago.

“I forgot...I had...a, uh, son” explained Max.

Later that night, when taking out the trash, that cashier would find metal spikes on the ground around the dumpster as if a metal hedgehog had exploded. By then, of course, Kaiser would be long gone.

* * *

“Got the toys,” huffed the E88 leader, carrying the bulging bag of tchotchkes off Rune’s concrete platform and into the alley where Santa had died. “Any change over here?”

“Does it look like []?” Skidmark retorted. “The fat [] is stiffening, so get that [] on here and you can leave.”

“And leave you in charge of my cover-up? Not a chance.” Kaiser declared. “We go together or you don’t go at all.”

“[]. So get on here with the [], what the [] do I care?” Skidmark climbed over the side of the sleigh, and Kaiser followed. 

* * *

The three of them—Skidmark, Kaiser, and the corpse—careened through corners like Mario Kart champions, Skidmark placing speed boost fields every block or so. Even if the sleigh was meant to fly, the runners seemed sturdy enough to ride over the snowy ground. Toys didn’t start disappearing from the bag until they were covering at least a block every five seconds. At that rate, the sleigh would’ve made it out of the Docks and towards Downtown within a couple minutes, but Skidmark was driving and insisted on making numerous passes to make sure every house was passed in the less-nice parts of town, before they got to the nicer parts where the kids undoubtedly had presents enough. Kaiser tried suggesting they only visit whiter areas, which he nearly got thrown out of the vehicle for. 

Finally, after hours of night-time travails, the trio emptied the bag of presents. Skidmark turned down the highway heading southeast, and brought the sleigh to a stop on the side of the road in a dirty, slushy snowbank. 

* * *

The two gang leaders stepped out and onto a roadside forty miles from Brockton Bay. 

“Through the miracle of cold hard credit, we saved Christmas!” Kaiser exclaimed. “You may be the dregs of society, but you’re not so bad after all.”

“A [] Nazi calling *me* dregs? Really? []. And I’m glad you’re taking all the credit.”

“Well, you don’t have any way to get back into town, do you?”

“Do you?”

* * *

The Nazi and junkie returned to their fight  
Having learned nothing at all from this night  
Then Skidmark cried out, shoving Kaiser into muck,  
“Merry Christmas to all and to all a good []!”


End file.
